Re-Landscaping

It's been a while since I've written....a lot going on. Feels like I've been (and still am) in survival mode. But writing has always been an outlet for me. I've hesitated to be too personal on this blog, but I've been stripped of many things these past weeks. One being my concern for asking "is this ok?" about every action I take. What we've been through is known by enough friends that I feel freed up to write more honestly now. I am not ashamed of what we've been through, so what is the shame in writing about it?

We are wading through the aftermath of our second failed IVF attempt. We have 5 babies (and yes, we consider the embryos our children) that are now with the Lord. Saying, or writing this, still makes me weep.

I hope to write more to process just that thought, that reality.

Today, I'm thinking on something that I've been reading. Slowly working through a book on grief called A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser, recommended by a friend. Really, really good. He writes about the fact that, after a "catastrophic loss", we are different people than we were before the loss. He compares the loss to a tree that was cut down in his yard where the stump remained, an ever-present reminder of what used to be there. Right now it's hard to think of anything but the tree, the loss.

Here is what he writes about it:

"Eventually, however, I decided to do something about it. I landscaped my backyard, reclaiming it once again as my own. I decided to keep the stump there, since it was both too big and too precious to remove. Instead of getting rid of it, I worked around it. I planted shrubs, trees, flowers, and grass. I laid out a brick pathway and built two benches. Then I watched everything grow. Now, three years later, the stump remains, still reminding me of the beloved tree I lost. But the stump is surrounded by a beautiful garden of blooming flowers and growing trees and lush grass. Likewise, the sorrow I feel remains, but I have tried to create a landscape around the loss so that what was once ugly is now an integral part of a larger, lovely whole."

Lord, I'm asking for faith to believe that You can, and will, landscape this gaping, aching hole in my heart, in our life. Give me strength to make it to the time of enjoying the beauty that You have integrated around it. Give me hope that You are writing glory into even this story when darkness seems to have the upper hand.