Heartbroken and Heart-Happy

I have gone back and forth for a while about how much to write about on this blog. This past year and a half has been the hardest (and seemingly longest) season of my life so far. It continues to be so and I think that's why I haven't written in a while. If I want to write about what's really going on with me, I would need to be a lot more honest.

We just returned from a two-week vacation to the Northwest which was simply refreshing and rejuvenating and MUCH-NEEDED. I so miss the fresh air and cool breezes, mountain views and water views, reading books uninterrupted, living out of a car :) , and meeting new people who were strangers now friends ..... one step back into the humidity that is Nashville right now brought me back to reality. As much as my wandering heart longs for mountains and breathable air and new places and cultures and people, our home is Nashville, for now and as long as He chooses.

I went from having my heart burst each day at the beauty and new-ness of my surroundings on our trip ... and waking with the anticipation of whatever the day may bring ... to returning to home where, if I'm honest, I often wake with anxiety, fear, and sometimes a little bit of dread at what the day holds ahead of me.

I live daily with moments of great joy (my birthday dinner with close friends crowded into our house, laughing and eating and visiting) and those of great heartache (sitting in a waiting room at my doctor's office, surrounded by five pregnant women, all of whom glance at my belly, looking for my bump, which, painfully, doesn't exist yet). Isn't this life, though? Isn't that why the gospel is beautiful ... that it is true and applicable to both situations?

The psalmist says, "I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." I pray for that belief, for that sight, for this is faith. In joy and in sorrow.

No Fear

Maybe I should wait to write these posts after I've had some time to read...much more to process and share then!

I'm reading about the fear of man and how to overcome that, since every one of us struggles with this in some way. I often find that the voices of people in my life are louder than what God, through scripture, says about me.

I'll share the paragraph that really struck me (substituting "I" in there):

"But I must believe. I must believe in the words of Christ more than I believe in anything else. I must follow the principle: For every one look at myself I must take ten looks at Jesus (which our pastor often reminds us). I must meditate on these loving promises from the mouth of God. If I think that I am beyond grace, I should be corrected. Such thinking is based on the unbiblical assumption that our works can either keep us away from God or move us toward Him. It is a denial of grace itself. It suggests that there is some righteous act I must perform in order to meet God halfway. This, however, has nothing to do with the gospel of Jesus. The gospel is only available to people who know they are unclean........Only persistent meditation on the cross of Christ is sufficient to allay my fears."

--Ed Welch

Good words.....Lord, help my unbelief.